I had myself so worried about helping my daughter cope with a death in her family. She's growing up and getting a little more mature in her thoughts:)It's funny I had actually planned to blog about this since I didnt feel I could vocalize my thoughts but I don't have as much to say at this point.

Are you freaking kidding me?

While searching the house for the kitten I'm about to give away I call the school to let them know I'm running a little late to pick up my daughter. The secretary takes my full name including the spelling as well as my daughter's. I proceed to call me friend to let her know the kitten will be late as well and ask her to also tell the monitors in the cafeteria and my daughter that I'll be late. My friend let them know that I had to cross the river but reassured them that I was on my way.

Ten minutes up the road a woman slides into a ravine in front of us due to the snow storm. Being the type of samaritans we are we pulled over and called 911 for her. She was definately shaken up but she wasn't injured. There was no way she was getting out of the ravine without a tow.

Just before the police officer arrived I got a phone call from the step mother. She has called to inform me that the school called to have them pick up my daughter.Her father was on his way to pick her up and bring her to his house. This is 30 minutes after I called the school which is only 15 mins after parent pick up. Not to mention my friend has already informed me that there are still 3 school buses waiting to pick up the kids from school!Now something's wrong here.What's with the phone call to her father when they don't even have their shit in order? AND the money grubbers had school open during a fricken snow storm!

That school has a copy of the court order stating that my daughter is in my custody as of 3pm every Tuesday. Her father's phone number should have never been considered an optional emergency line when a) I have already called them b) they have my phone number and c) they can read a court order!

So this evening I'll be sending an email to the principal.

Friends

Real friends bring out the best in u as an individual, as a couple and as a family with the ease of simply being themselves. Friends don't force their opinion on you to sway a decision or express their own disapproval. Good friends let you decide for yourself and promote all the positive aspects of your life. Friends are the people you trust your children with at a sleepover. You can learn from your friends and count on them at the drop of a dime...

I've spend a large portion of my life trying to figure out why I couldn't keep close friendships for long periods of time. Aside from the typical moving as a child and losing contact with people a particular former friend simply cut ties "because it's too much to handle." I had been going through a difficult situation personally and her life was no where near the point that my life at reached. I understood her but it hurt.

What I have learned since that experience is that there are people who just don't fit. My struggle with teenage motherhood didn't allow for the people my age to understand me to the point of giving good advice and support. Fortunately I was always ahead of the game academically so I used it to my advantage by letting the world see the adult in me while I wasn't officially. I used parenthood to an odd advantage and learned to brush off people who just wanted to hang out, the people with no purpose yet for their lives.

I'm currently content and extremely appreciative of the friends I do have and with the friends I have lost.

Different Outlook

My sister just said this and it got me thinking:

"Some things in a person just never change no matter how hard you try to change them. Let it go and spend that wasted time bettering yourself instead."

I waste a lot of time....think about it.

Beautiful Disaster (by Matthew Wilder/Rebekah Jordan)

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
More heaven than a heart could hold

And if I tried to save him
my whole world would cave in
Just ain't right
Lord it just aint right

But when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
Lord would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
more damage than a soul should see

But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby hold me tight

But when I don't know
don't know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
but frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

But when I don't know
don't know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Lord he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

(performed by Kelly Clarkson)



This song makes me cry....

The Hardest Part

I've realized something about myself... when my mind is occupied by something stressful it consumes me. When I am consumed I lose focus on anything else of significance. I tend to stay on a path of negativity until I tell myself it's not worth stressing over. Once I've accomplished that, I am so focused on it that I become a little lazy if you will. By that I mean that I try to live in the moment and not deal with the stress. The steps I need to take in order to prevent the stress from resurfacing very rarely come to pass. I guess what I'm saying is that when I've been stressed out I try not to let it continue. By tring not to let it continue I don't deal with anything pertaining to that topic.

This isn't good....

I know I need to do something no matter how involved it might get, yet I put it off so I can have a little serenity. I suppose that makes me a little selfish in one aspect. But in another aspect, how do I end this cycle?

I know, I know, push through.

When I keep pushing through and don't stop for anything, I hurt. Inside and out. The pain that consumes my body and frustration that consumes my mind is unbearable and cause me to be indesicive and scatter-brained.

Usually, when I lay things out like this for myself I come to some sort of realization or conclusion....I haven't yet.

I suppose I'll just keep paying doctors to fix my back that gets screwed up from underpaid work and emotional stress (and scoliosis, segmental dysfunction, and cervicalgia). Then maybe I'll give that up and pay for pain killers (only nonsteroidal) cuz they might be cheaper. Well now, let me think...that won't work cuz pain killers only cover up the problem. The physical and emotional stress will still be there...darn!

I think I need a miracle!!

I'm just kidding. I know that some element of the physical stress will subside once I've accomplished a thing or two to alleviate the original emotionally stressful issue at hand. It's just a matter of a very long time, a disrespectful man learning what we all learn as small children, some serious economical issues, accurate medical attention, and my Guardian Angel...

"Poop" Sandwich

I'm angry... I'm typing now so I can get back to my normal level headed self. I will not eat the poop sandwich that this man has been feeding me for years. It's time that he feel what I have felt for so long. I've been degraded, insulted, yelled at, and disrespected not to mention been treated like less than a human being. This person thinks all of this is okay and proceeds to withold my child from me. All of these things are tit for tat yet again. He thinks it's within his rights to monitor my life and feed me a line saying it's all in our daughter's best interests. He waited til I drove 20 miles to pick her up to handed me a breakdown from his lawyer telling me that I've misunderstood the court order and not allowed me to pick her up. I say to him that all it takes is common courtesy to let me know this ahead of time. But wait! He didn't even plan this ahead! The breakdown from is lawyer is dated for TODAY! So, he's so big and bad and righteous that he verbally bashes me (in a parking lot), tells me to get off his property when I've said I was done with the conversation. This is the person the courts have placed my daughter with. And his little wife opened her mouth...big mistake. That caused my man to open his mouth. The difference between them is that my man treats the situation like he is not my daughter's father and this woman thinks her words hold value to me. I put her right in her place and told her she is not the guardian of my daughter.

Although, it's not out of my system I'm cutting myself off here so this isn't a b@#$^% fest. I just ask for all your prayers...